Guilt: The Ghost that Haunts Me

Breaking the illusion of perfection to heal from past mistakes.

A perfect date with my husband.

We read at a café. We sit by the harbor and talk. We go see a movie and cuddle up together in the theater. We’ve laughed and had a great time. We’re driving home, listening to music. I start tuning into the lyrics of the song that’s playing.

Instantly, my heart tightens as if a tight fist is grasping it. My breath becomes shallow. A sinking feeling emerges in my chest. Suddenly, I’m pulled back in time… to a past version of me — a version of me who did something wrong.

Everybody makes mistakes. At the moment, it may not feel wrong. Maybe you make excuses. Maybe you’re too shortsighted to see the consequences. Or maybe, in that moment, you simply don’t care.

The truth is: people are imperfect. We mess up. Some more than others — but nobody has an unmarred past.

The Illusion of Perfection

For a long time, I believed that if I could just be perfect — starting now — I could make up for the past. I thought perfection would wipe the slate clean.

But no matter how hard I tried to be perfect (which is impossible by the way), I couldn’t let go of what I had done.

In the most beautiful moments, something would trigger a memory… and all the joy would drain from me. I’d feel suffocated. Haunted. No matter how many times I confessed or apologized, the same narrative played on repeat in my head:

You’re a bad person. You don’t deserve this life.

So, what are these wrongdoings that keep haunting me, you ask?

Well, I’ll give you a roll call.

The Ghost that Terrorized My Little Sister

I grew up with a sister just a year younger than me. Everyone assumed we’d be best friends. Instead, I became a tyrant.

As kids, I realized she wanted to play with me more than I wanted to play with her — and I held that over her head. I bossed her around, treated her like a servant. Yet, she still wanted to be close to me.

As we grew up, I had always been kind of better at everything, especially when it came to school. And this fed my ego for a long time. Then puberty hit.

Suddenly, my sister went from this awkward preteen to this beautiful young woman. Jealousy consumed me. I became cruel. If she used a word I didn’t know, I’d punch her in the stomach — just for trying to “act smart.”

Looking back, I’m horrified. Even now, though we’re finally close as adults, I carry deep regret.

She says she forgives me. But I’m still learning to forgive myself.

The Ghost that Ghosted Her Best Friend

I used to disappear on people.

When friendships became complicated or emotionally uncomfortable, I bailed. No explanation. I just stopped answering.

The one that haunts me most happened in high school. We’ll call her Ella.

Ella and I were dating twin brothers (I do not recommend). When her relationship ended, things got tense between us.

One day after school, she confronted me — telling me how she didn’t like how I chose my relationship over her. I had never been confronted by a friend before. I could not handle it. I said very little… and left.

From that day forward, I decided to ignore her existence. In one class, she was assigned the seat right beside me. I never looked at her or spoke to her.

I found out later how deeply I hurt her.

Years down the road, I reached out on Facebook. I apologized for what I did. She was very kind and forgiving. But still… I wonder what kind of friendship we could’ve had if I’d reacted differently.

The Ghost that Missed Her Stepmom’s Bridal Shower

As a teenager, I had a habit of choosing boys over friends and family.

I was driving home from college, tears streaming down my face. The night before, I watched as the boy I liked kissed someone else. I was heartbroken. But I still had plans to attend my soon-to-be stepmom’s bridal shower.

I pulled up into the parking lot, still crying. I should have gone in anyways. Told her to her face that I was having some personal issues. But I didn’t.

Instead, I sent my sister to pass along a message and left.

The next day, I got a very heated email from the Maid of Honor: about how I sent my sister instead of showing up myself, and how I essentially wasted their money for the activities they had already paid for me. She wasn’t wrong.

I deleted the email, hoping the shame would go away. It didn’t.

For a long time, I never brought it up — my dad even advised me not to. But deep down, I knew how much I’d hurt her.

Eventually, I apologized. She, of course, being the wonderful, loving person she is, gracefully accepted. It’s still hard not to be hard on myself for doing it in the first place.

Letting the Ghosts Go

Somatic therapy changed everything.

It took me a few sessions before I was able to open up about why I felt this immense guilt.

Before I could go on, my therapist stopped me and asked me one simple question:

“So what if you did something wrong?”

I was speechless. That thought had never crossed my mind.

Because deep down, I believed: If I do something wrong, I am a bad person.

I told her, and she asked me another question:

“Is that true?”

Those two questions cracked something open in me.

I began to see the pattern:

“I must be perfect to be safe.”
“If I mess up, I am unworthy of love.”

Through working with her, slowly, I started to release the guilt that had lived inside me for years.

My Healing Journey

Does that mean I’m totally healed now? No.

Guilt still creeps up sometimes. Triggers still happen. But now I have the tools to meet those moments with compassion instead of shame.

I’ve learned that healing from guilt doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It means facing it honestly and choosing to grow from it. While my past mistakes are part of my story, they don’t define who I am today.

Now, I see them as a gift. I lived them. I felt them deeply. And now, it feels like part of my purpose to share them — in the hopes that someone else feels seen. We don’t talk enough about our mistakes. Upholding the illusion that everyone else is perfect only keeps us isolated. We’re all imperfect beings — and that’s what connects us.

Haunted

A Sonnet

A perfect day of laughter, play, and fun.
We’re driving home. I hear a song I know — 
A song of hurt, of trust that’s been undone.
A phantom of my past begins to show.

I’m dragged through time — a place I can’t forget.
So long ago, I wish it was untrue.
What once felt right now fills me with regret.
A lapse of judgment I cannot undo.

I cannot breathe; the shadow grips my heart.
He mocks me: You’re not worthy of this life.
The words ring true; they’re tearing me apart.
This guilt and shame, it cuts me like a knife.

Inhale, exhale. I note the way I feel.
Another breath. The pain becomes less real.